Strategic Book Publishing

I was briefly excited about selling the book last week.


Usually I haven’t been excited about selling it; usually when I’m home, I’m a lot more likely to be hiding from it, and hiding from the rest of my life, on facebook.

Then, somewhere in between all the commenting and the relentless rounds of Mafia Wars, I noticed an ad on facebook from a literary agency that was accepting submissions.

“Perfect,” I thought. “I will barely have to do anything.”

I clicked on the link and completed a submission form outlining the project, making sure to correct an earlier error, where, ironically enough, I’d left out the apostrophe in “Master’s Degree in Journalism.” My bio and descriptions of the project were tight, and they felt right. As for the agency, its website announced it as the “Strategic Book Publishing.” The site wasn’t super-high-gloss, but it had three things going for it: author testimonials, an emphatic declaration that this was not a self-publishing company, and promised results, including the Holy Grail: placement on bookstore shelves nationwide. It felt like cosmic validation of my laziness and reluctance to query literary agents. “You were right not to send out query letters,” the universe was saying. “That reeks of desperation. Let the agents come to you.”

I clicked on the “Submit” button and awaited their reply.

“Please be patient,” the site had advised. “We receive a high volume of submissions, but we are committed to answering all of them promptly, so we will get back to you within 48 to 72 hours.”

That’s lightning-quick in publishing terms, one of those Jimmy John’s So-Fast-You’ll-Freak things. But sure enough, they answered; moreover, they were interested in forwarding me on to an affiliated publishing group, which, they said, would most likely want to take a look at my manuscript.

This seemed a little odd; I would have thought they’d want to shop it around and try and get the best deal first. But I again awaited their reply, and I was again rewarded with a response within the promised timeframe.

This sounded delightful, and so much better than any agency I’d ever dealt with. “Screw you, established literary agencies,” I found myself thinking. “You’re gatekeepers of a dying kingdom. Strategic Book Publishing and I are going to ride roughshod over you, and conquer the world! Their promptness and attentiveness have won them the right to represent my manuscript. And it will sell so many copies that you will all weep; meanwhile I will sleep on a massive stack of money for the rest of my life.”

I got an email from them asking for the manuscript.

Here I did get a little nervous. “Are they big enough?” I found myself asking. “Can they handle a manuscript this awesome?” They promised that they did not pick up authors unless there was a clear path to selling 5,000 books; that didn’t sound like a lot, compared to my ambitions. But it was about 20 times as many as my previous (admittedly, self-published) book, Pottersville. (I’d had massive ambitions for that book. People liked it, but it didn’t sell well, and at this point, I would cheerfully accept if someone offered to pay me minimum wage for all the hours I spent working on it; that might, if I was charitable about my time estimates, net me in the high four figures.) Anyway, that was that book, though, and this was this. And given the confidence I’ve occasionally had in this manuscript, I figured it’s bound to sell a lot more. “This book is about Nazis,” I told myself. “Books about Nazis sell.”

Again, I asked myself, “Are they big enough?”

“Fuck it,” I thought. “This book will MAKE THEM big enough.”

Just to be on the safe side, I put my real name on the cover, and I included a copyright notice. And then I sent it off.

Only then did I remember that I’d meant to do some independent research on this company. Being a graduate of one of the most prestigious journalism schools in the country, I figured I’d better put my investigative skills to use.

I typed “Strategic Book Publishing” in the Google search bar. The FIRST result that came up was “strategic book publishing scam.” (Even before plain ol’ “strategic book publishing.”)

A few quick link clicks and I was enlightened as to their M.O., which you can read about at the bottom of the page here, and about its owner's current legal troubles here. (If you’re lazier than I am, suffice it to say that Strategic Book Publishing seems to be a front for an octopus-like conglomeration of relatively phony agencies and publishers controlled by some scammer dude down in Florida. Basically, it seems they’re one of those pseudo-agencies that charges people for copyediting and reading fees and what-not and then never actually, you know, sells your book.)

Anyway, it’s back to the drawing board, older and wiser and what-not. And if I ever get lonely during the next round of queries, I can always re-read their latest email and remind myself that someone wants me.