Gasoline Rainbow

What is it that I fear

Falling asleep or waking up?

Drop a coin into my cup

And I’ll tell you what you want to hear

I beg you

And I’ll bless you and thank you

And let you tell me what to do

You seem to know more than I do

What do you know? My leg’s swollen in this dirty tennis shoe

Skin like a drum, tight

So maybe I want the night

Falling from a great height to a great sleep might

Hurt more than this, but only for an instant

Then…bliss?

Who knows, first

Bones will crack, vessels burst

Blood spread across the sidewalk

I see it in the worst way

Too clearly, replay it too frequently

Maybe I gotta do it just to stop the imagery

How come I don’t? Is it too hard or am I just cowardly?

Still sleep itself seems easy

Actions without consequences

In my dreams, nonsensical

And I can leave the theater

And talk about these movies to people who’ll never see them

But are they only entertaining

When I’m explaining them to you

On a new morning

Under the awning

Outside the White Hen when it’s raining?

I say I can’t complain but I’m complaining

I want these dreams all year long, not just summer

When I slumber on an island of grass

With taxis and cops circling like sharks, they don’t stop

Just go elsewhere so I can relax and not react

Unlike winter when night’s like day

Bright and angry on the CTA

Pockets picked near vomit smell

In that rocking fluorescent motel

Electric hell

But the summer nights are easy

Black like me, and blue and cool too

A sleazy pleasant lover

While day’s always a nagging wife

Unfortunately not an option unless I opt for endless night

To escape that demanding bitch I used to auction off my time to her

So I could afford to spend it all on the other

Until she took over

Was that my choice?

Still I didn’t mind

I might have decided not to fight

But I thought there were no consequences

To night, just dreams, and spills to clean up with repentences

Still, escapes from our life sentences

With the eternal wife, our ball and chain

Old dull routine

Clanging alarms and cramped commutes

Working for bosses with golden parachutes

While my only options were worthless

Somewhere between toilet paper and vapor

I needed a few toots to escape, or…

What? That’s all it was, a different road

Than the one you took to the bar

Dirty rocks or maybe black tar

Which made me feel far from harm

At last, safe in a warm hug, a liquid blanket

So snug it fit inside me

Nod out, or take the other which would shake me up

Or powder my nose to wake me up

A white drug, but I liked it sometimes, I could make me up

Like I was Superman

Or later just Clark Kent

When I felt bent

Out of shape, from partying away the rent

I could at least transform into a normal human being

A superhero feat I can’t pull off now

Without at least a cheap disguise

Hat or sunglasses to cover my eyes

(Bloodshot or dilated or in between highs)

And hide the lies I tell to you to escape the lows

Still everybody knows

But you, or do you, too?

What does it matter

If I get a fatter

Wad of bills to pay the boss

You can treat me with utter contempt

Just don’t tempt me

Into acting the fool, when you butter

My bread I can’t afford that

I’ll give you more of that wicked flow

I’m a gasoline rainbow

Drifting past you in the gutter

Lazy, slow

I don’t know

What I done wrote

Is it a poem or a suicide note?

Who knows?

These flows

Are the only

Way out of my lonely

(Unless no one’s really listening

And I’m howling into the void

Annoyed

As I drift towards that gaping hole

Do you feel me? How can you, you’re employed

Still maybe you fear the night, too)

But do I want a new day

Or a way out of this fear?

Who can say

Drop a coin into my cup

And I’ll tell you what you want to hear